Marriage is one of the most intimate and challenging relationships we experience in life. It can be a source of great joy but also, at times, deep confusion and pain. If you’re reading this, chances are you’re standing at a crossroads, asking yourself one of the hardest questions a person can face:
Should I stay in this marriage, or is it time to leave?
As a therapist who has worked with many women facing this very dilemma, I want to share some guidance and tools that can help you approach this decision with clarity, compassion, and confidence.
The Emotional Weight of the Question
When you feel stuck in your marriage, it’s not always about dramatic abuse or betrayal (though those certainly happen). More often, it’s the slow, aching feeling of disconnection. Of being unseen. Unloved. Or feeling like your needs don’t matter.
It’s not uncommon to feel guilty for even thinking about leaving, especially if you’ve built a life, a family, or even a shared identity with your partner. But here’s the truth: Questioning your marriage doesn’t mean you’re failing. It means you’re seeking honesty and growth.
Let’s explore how you can begin untangling the confusion and move toward a decision that honors your wellbeing.
1. Are You Growing Together or Apart?
One of the most telling signs of a healthy relationship is mutual growth. Are you and your partner evolving in ways that support one another’s goals and values? Or are you finding yourself shrinking, hiding, or compromising your truth to maintain the peace?
Many women in therapy say they feel they’ve “lost themselves” in the relationship. That’s not love that’s survival. If your marriage doesn’t allow room for your growth, it’s worth asking why.
2. Is Communication Still Possible?
Can you talk to your partner about your concerns and be heard with empathy? Or does every conversation end in blame, silence, or emotional shutdown?
A marriage doesn’t need perfect communication but it does need honest, open-hearted conversation. If you’re doing all the emotional labor and still feel like your words fall on deaf ears, it’s a red flag. No relationship thrives in silence.
3. Do You Feel Safe Emotionally and Physically?
This might seem like a basic question, but safety is the foundation of every healthy relationship. If you feel anxious, on edge, or like you have to walk on eggshells to avoid conflict, this isn’t love it’s fear.
Ask yourself:
- Can I be myself around my partner?
- Do I feel safe expressing my emotions, fears, or boundaries?
- Is there any manipulation, gaslighting, or control?
Emotional safety is just as important as physical safety. If your nervous system is always in fight-or-flight, your body may already know the answer.
4. Have You Lost Emotional Intimacy?
Many marriages end not with a bang, but with a slow erosion of emotional intimacy. You stop sharing your thoughts. You sleep back-to-back. You no longer laugh, touch, or dream together.
That doesn’t mean the marriage is doomed. But emotional disconnection, if left unchecked, can lead to resentment, loneliness, and a loss of desire. Can this be repaired? Maybe but only if both partners are willing to try.
5. Do You Feel Like You’re Settling?
Ask yourself honestly: If this was a friend’s relationship, what would I tell her?
Would you encourage her to stay out of obligation, or would you remind her she deserves a relationship that lights her up?
Settling often comes from fear: of being alone, starting over, or hurting someone. But fear is not the same as love. Don’t confuse the two.
6. Have You Tried to Heal Together or Separately?
Therapy isn’t a magic fix, but it can help. Have you and your partner tried couples counseling? Have you done your own inner work whether through therapy, journaling, or self-reflection?
Sometimes, relationships falter because of unresolved trauma or unmet needs from childhood. Healing doesn’t always save the marriage but it can bring clarity.
7. What Does Your Inner Voice Say?
Let’s be real: Deep down, you often know the answer. But your mind might be flooded with doubts:
- What if I regret leaving?
- What will people think?
- What about the kids, finances, or shared life?
These are valid concerns but don’t silence your inner wisdom. When you quiet the noise, what does your body feel? Relief at the thought of staying or at the idea of leaving?
Trust that whisper. It often holds more truth than a hundred pros-and-cons lists.
What Leaving Looks Like (and What It Doesn’t)
Leaving a marriage doesn’t mean you failed. It doesn’t mean you didn’t try hard enough. Sometimes, leaving is the bravest and most loving act you can do for yourself and even for your partner.
Leaving doesn’t always mean a dramatic breakup. Sometimes, it starts with creating space, setting boundaries, or seeking therapy. Sometimes, it’s a slow process of reclaiming your voice and independence.
And sometimes, leaving isn’t the answer but redefining the relationship is. It all depends on what you discover when you reconnect with yourself.
If You Choose to Stay
If you choose to stay in your marriage, it’s not a resignation. It’s a commitment to work. Staying can be empowering if it’s a conscious choice, not a fear-based one.
Make a plan:
- Can you rebuild connection?
- Will your partner meet you in your efforts?
- Are both of you willing to grow, together and separately?
Remember: Staying should never cost you your self-worth, safety, or peace.
If You Choose to Leave
Leaving is scary but so is staying in a situation that’s slowly breaking your spirit.
Make a safety plan. Talk to a therapist, friend, or support group. Know your financial and legal options. And most importantly, remind yourself that you are not alone.
So many women have walked this path and come out stronger, clearer, and more joyful on the other side.
A Tool for Your Journey: This Book Can Help
If you resonated with anything in this article, I highly recommend the guide: A Survival Guide For Women Who Feel Stuck In Their Marriage: Should I Stay or Leave? by Rebecca Jane.
Written by an experienced therapist, this book offers:
- Real-life stories of couples and personal transformation
- Therapeutic exercises and reflection prompts
- Practical tools for communication, boundary-setting, and emotional clarity
- Deep dives into inner healing and relationship patterns
Whether you decide to stay or leave, this book will help you get clear, feel empowered, and take the next step in your healing journey.
Final Words
You don’t have to make the decision today. But you do deserve peace. You deserve joy. You deserve to feel seen, heard, and loved.
Whatever you choose stay or go choose yourself.
And know that support is always available.
You’ve already taken the first step by asking the question.
The next step? Trusting yourself to answer it.